i love accidental penises.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
