my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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