my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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