is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
