I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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