i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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