well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They took my balls.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
