Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just had sex on a roof
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
