Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
