yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
