so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
