did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
