I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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