Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
