she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
