Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
