i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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