She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
