it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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