We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
