So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
