Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
