I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
