just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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