You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
