Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
