I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
