Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
two words: eviction party
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
