I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
