Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
