Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
