bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
