I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
