There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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