I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
