Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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