have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
