omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
