Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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