I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
