I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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