so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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