Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
