the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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