I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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