called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She bit a glass in half.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
