Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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