new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
