The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
