Someone shit on the floor
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
