i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize